Painting?

Daily writing prompt

Are there any activities or hobbies you’ve outgrown or lost interest in over time?

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Self-expression through painting and sketching, I haven’t done for some time. I have this expectation that whenever I decide to paint it must always “look” nice instead of just me trying to interpret the world around me. So, yeah… I hope I didn’t outgrow painting and sketching, I should really start any project.

Do you also have this point-of-view? Did you overcome it? How did you overcome it?

Abandoned…

Today is just January 1 but something’s up with my dynamic in the family unit I’m in. I can’t help but notice how they always call me to do things they don’t want to do and I don’t like it. A part of me is telling me “here we go again.” In an act of defiance I would deliberately delay things. For example, they want me to set the table for our lunch guests while we’re still conversing with the guests. And my mom in particular would nag me until I don’t stand up and do it. If this was me before, I would bottle it up, would do the task, and complain in my head… Now I complain more openly when they ask me to do something. When I ask why can’t my older sibling do it instead or my younger sibling or why don’t you ask them to help me in the task? Why just me? And they would do the whole energetic “Here we go again.” It feels like when I complain, my complaints are unreasonable and petty. All I feel when I voice out something is an energetic, “why don’t you just follow and do it. Find a way.” Maybe, I allowed them to do this to me for so long. I know I contributed to this too but I hope they try and answer my honest questions.

But the cherry on top for today would be being subjected to anger about how to fold this damn plastic bag that I got in the same place she kept it and she herself folded. And she got mad at me for folding it wrong when I wasn’t even the one that folded that damn plastic bag that I got scolded for. So instead, I retreated because I could feel my mouth blabbering words I probably wouldn’t mean when anger subsides. And started playing with my phone and waiting for her to finish what she does best – keep others waiting. While our evening guests were downstairs and I was in my room waiting, she comes in and asks me what I’m doing when I should be entertaining the guests. I told her I was waiting for her to meet them and she started getting mad. And I started getting mad. Then of course my older sibling comes and saves the day as per usual because that’s what both siblings do be the good ones because the bad one is acting up all crazy, demanding, entitled, victim bitch… When it’s still New Year. Because I’m being the spoil sport and got the ‘bad’ gene from my ancestors… Its these moments I wonder if staying alive is a mistake. Maybe I should just stab myself with this knife multiple times. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the pressure or the guilt and shame when they complain about always using their money. Hopefully they get something from the multiple insurance under my name. I know I didn’t pay for this insurance but at least they get something.

Maybe, they’ll be a happier and more perfect family. Then I don’t need to remind them always of my existence or even insist on my existence with family friends and acquaintances. I don’t have to receive the energetic judgment of many of being the ‘weak link’ in the family.

I’m too tired trying to prove that I exist, that I have a space somewhere here. I don’t need to hold on to them I just need to hold on to me.

everything feels fake

I haven’t been socializing the past few weeks. I’d rather stay at home and do my unproductive things. I find myself in bed most days. I tell myself after this one game or after this one episode, after I take a bath, I’ll do what I’m supposed to do. And it just became a cycle of broken promises to myself. And now, I was scrolling through my feed and every personal post from friends and family of any celebrations of everyone smiling, feels so fake, and to a point I feel fake myself.

I have a lot of things to do and I keep putting them off. In my head I want to start them but I end up greeting the next day not having finished anything. I guess, I can’t find a comfortable conclusion for now.

I’ve researched about it. This feeling of looking at everyone and everything as fake or unreal – in psychology they call it depersonalisation derealisation. They say 2% of the World population have this constant ongoing feeling of everyone and everything is fake. While 75% of the World population may experience this feeling at least once in their lives. But compared to the 75% who experience this as a fleeting moment, the 2% have this consuming feeling throughout their lives.

This must be the effect of stopping my daily meditation. Every idea also seems hard to actualize and follow-through. I don’t even have a motivation to get up sometimes. But I feel a bit better now.

Thank you for listening to another incoherent post.

Note to self: Try Sunya for at least 2 minutes a day no matter where I am. And run someone’s Bars or ask someone to run for meeeeee.

Where did all that time go?

I don’t quite remember how many years ago I lasted posted about anything. One of the many reasons I deluded myself into not blogging or writing was I broke my anonymity. I shared this wordpress link to my personal facebook and most often people remember what I write. And that somehow bothers me. A part of me wants to be seen but another part would like to stay in obscurity.

It’s almost 3AM. Same thing I used to do years back was stay awake when everything’s dead silent and cry and laugh and contemplate and write. So where did all that time go?

It feels like a lot of things have changed, I’ve let a lot of things go yet I feel I still write for the same reason I wrote before. To make sense of this emptiness yet not quite empty feelings. For if it were truly empty then I wouldn’t have felt this suffocating feeling and wanting to throw up.

I feel I still write for the same reasons before. It is quite a selfish act, writing – to release the endless mindless chatter now. But does the mindless chatter ever stop? It doesn’t.

I’ve been shifting from sadness, loneliness, to satisfied these past days. I guess a person’s passing and a celebrity for that matter, one that I even did not follow so closely has impacted how I respond to life. He looked happy, with hints of being tired and sad, yet happy. I shift from denial to bargaining and a little bit of anger. They say its three of the five stages of grieving. And I guess I mourn his passing beyond my own expectations.

So, where did all that time go?

Dear Death

I feel you. I feel your presence the closest today than I have ever experienced you. You came barging on me like an overflowing floodgate of emotions and thoughts. Thoughts of ending this. Ending this cycle of thought that finally leads me to another door that welcomes me with open arms. I still feel you looming inside me, beside me, somewhere with me in this darkened room I’ve locked up from everyone else.

I am a few inches away from things that could physically end this existence. A little while ago you suggested that I was replaceable – that in a couple of years and probably a mere few days for people who I regard my closest friends I’ll be part of a dusting box in the corner of their memories and then I’ll be thrown out. I’ll be a mere topic of conversation, a mere topic of speculation of how they didn’t expect me to lose it and take my own life, to succumb to you, finally.

I forgot that by befriending you that I had allowed you to influence my own views on life and death and that a part of me – that is also a part of everyone else – would acknowledge and come into a peaceful agreement that “Yes. The World would be a better place without me.” Their lives would be a little less burdensome and they’d be free from the shackles that I might have created on their lives and I too, will be free from the shackles that I willingly allowed to put on myself and attached to them (unwillingly on their part).

But what hurts me is that no one seems to notice how sad I am today. How irrationally fast you came at the slightest of crack. It wasn’t even a full blown argument it was merely a statement made, a mere curious speculation, “You seem to keep locking doors accidentally. What could it possibly mean?” Just those words and you came swooping down from wherever you were hiding. I’m sorry for suddenly feeling repulsed by your presence. I said that I’d welcome you when you came but you came at an instance when I was too vulnerable. I wasn’t even prepared for my own vulnerability. And I know it makes sense to you. You’ve probably faced a lot of my kind, those who try to hold and embrace you but they later find that they didn’t grasp the extent of your existence.

I had this moment when I surrendered to your reasoning and I felt at peace with the fact that I was replaceable and that this would be my fate because no one seemed willing to stop me from digging deep into my own hole. No one in this house which I have called my home sensed anything wrong with me despite my locking this door. Maybe I expect too much from them. Maybe I was meant to be the sensitive me so I could sense their distress but it didn’t mean that they’d do the same. Is it right to say that they’re not that attached enough with me that they feel nothing intuitively of my dark demons…? Or are they overestimating my capacity to confront myself – that self?

I am self-preserving. This is my way of finding my light in this friendship between you and I. You aren’t done with me today right? I don’t feel you leaving yet. I still feel you here. I don’t think you are a figment of our imaginations. But it was my negligence for underestimating you and overestimating me. Maybe that’s why writers’ write, artists’ paint, dancers’ dance, singers’ sing and express themselves. Because through their expression we catch a glimpse of you. A propulsion so strong that life springs forth?

…

Incoherent and confusing…

WARNING: This is a very incoherent post. I jump from  one topic to another. So, if you’re ready for a ‘JUMP’ (movie reference) then dive in.

I had the chance to watch X-Men: Apocalypse last night with family despite my cold and hateful facade. And that movie was deep, for one I can relate to how Jean feels. Jean’s feared because her power is strong and she understands that she does not have a full grip of what it is or what she is truly capable of and she fears the possibility of hurting the people that surrounds her. And I am that. I keep this hateful facade. I keep an angry mask because I too fear and I am currently very very confused. I admit that I have been confused but not this way. This is a whole new level of confusion. I feel all the rage, the hate, guilt, confusion, anxiety, pressure. Often it’s even hard to talk myself out of it completely. I do talk to myself. I also do converse and ponder if these emotions are mine or are they of the World. I feel I have unlocked a connection to the World where whatever ‘this mind’ feels so strongly, I feel it too. Kind of like how Professor X uses the Cerebrum but not as visually clear and audible but more on the plane of feeling. My current lifestyle isn’t suit for this kind of connection to the World. I may sound alien to some, I sound alien even to myself sometimes. I’ve let so many thoughts, meaningful ones, pass by. These thoughts are so solid one moment then dissipate in an instant, and it’s as if I never thought of that thought at all.

I overheard my family talking this morning. They talked about how Ego does not recognize figures while the more “enlightened” part of our brain recognizes symbols (Sudden thought: RECOGnize – a word meant for the left brain’s function, right brain counterpart is PERCEIVE). A few days ago I had this nonstop ringing in my ear, longer and more audible than usual. I get the ringing in my ear sometimes but not always, not this long nor this loud. I don’t think it’s an ear condition though because it isn’t consistent. Is my body absorbing ‘the download’. I’ve learned from the various self-development seminars and workshops I’ve been part of around the age of 12 is that we get downloads, from where, I can’t quite point out with certainty yet, Akashic Records maybe? These downloads are like codes that are yet to be deciphered when needed, when it is tapped consciously or not it just naturally flows. Remember how you know things with certainty but don’t know were that wisdom comes from?

I want time out from a lot of things. I’ve been trying to put my life on track (but am I not on track?) but haven’t seriously considered that my perception of ‘a-life-on-track’ is defective. My perception of ‘a-life-on-track’ is one where ‘almost’ everything is ‘perfect’. A job I love, a family that dotes on me, a confident me, good working relationship with everyone who knows me – close or not, financially independent, and that unconscious perception of ‘LIFE’ is putting a toll on me. I’ve placed so much pressure on myself to achieve this structure of ‘life’ engrained by my environment.

My mom says I can choose the emotions I let consume me. I understand that completely. My conscious mind does (that 10% does) but my unconscious (the 90%) does not recognize the words I try to convince it with – ‘that you freaking don’t own every emotion that pass you by.’ And emotions are faster than words or thoughts. Most often before I could even name the emotion that’s about to come I feel it already.

Being a Type 9 in the Eneagram makes it even harder to identify what I truly want. I’m fine with all the other types’ preferences that it takes me very long to consider what I want. But really all I wish is to be an embodiment of Love. I truly deeply want my ego to recognize that I am Love too. Or maybe it isn’t to be forced upon the ego? I don’t know how to reconcile the varying contrasts on many levels.

So you see how this mind is on a daily basis. This is a fraction of the things that go through my head every moment. One moment this then that… I don’t have anyone who has the time in their world to listen to me about what goes through my head and it saddens me.

Anyway, I feel better now. 🙂

Don’t Speak

My sister and I had a small argument about something so petty. You know those situations where something small snowballs into something so big that you get drowned by it. That’s where I am. I dropped my review and board exam after my Father’s death and I have been trying to get to learn about myself during this time. It’s exactly 11 months since my Dad has passed and I feel useless. As if a sign, I chanced upon this Live Video Streaming of one YouTube Reactor I’m following and in that he was talking with another friend about Missed Opportunities. And Maybe, I should stop making excuses and grab opportunities. Be brave and take on bigger things. I have locked myself in our home, in our community, I did do try once in awhile to go out and try new things, actually I’ve done more of those this year than I ever had but I think my soul yearns for more. I’d want to backpack the 81 provinces of my country, video interviews of various people in various profession, send a Introductory Video to this Malaysian-based company, learn photography, continue with my painting and sketching. I know I’m the only one stopping myself from doing all these. All me. The point, the end point of this small petty argument is I am not happy with myself and what I am currently, in an overall perspective. I am frustrated of the agreements I have broken, of the friendships I didn’t make, the invitations I didn’t take.

But I’m glad I realised all these before it became too late. I think my time of dependence is almost over and I need to learn to be independent. I think everything is preparing me for that lesson. And it scares me, it is sometimes inevitable to leave the people I depended on for two decades of my life to learn this lesson. But I hope that whatever and wherever I go they’ll understand that I need to learn this so I could be the person has destined me to be. I hope I don’t lose my way on this journey.

LAUREN AQUILINA – IRRELEVANT

LEWIS WATSON – SINK OR SWIM

Suddenly…

I suddenly had the urge to cry and wallow but instead I’m dedicating a post about it. I know that this feeling isn’t even close yet to me missing my father’s presence so dearly. I simply feel overwhelmed about his physical absence. In a perfect Monday afternoon (such as this), where my sister and I can talk to each other about how both we can help each other, and how the wind blows through my window, and how my favorite rock band is on replay, I suddenly feel his absence. Most days I go on, normally, but in moments, solitary, like a car ride to the office, that feeling, sometimes fleeting, often lingering, I recall moments with him. I try to remember the face that I have had the chance to watch and observe as he peacefully slept. I am thankful for those moments.

Maybe I am romanticizing my Father’s passing. It could be just a process of grieving, of moving on. I wouldn’t really know. I might not really understand. I’m no expert on grieving and everyone definitely grieves differently and this one is mine. As I’ve said in a post a few months ago, now I live a life for both of us. If Dad, has truly returned to God, to The Source, then wouldn’t that mean that he’s in me too. If God (The Source) is Energy, and matter is energy then the particles and atom that make me is The Source and Dad lives in me, through me, with me, as well as all the Loved ones we’ve lost, all the heroes from the past. Does it makes sense to you?

Deep Sea of Loneliness

I feel lonely (period). I think I feel deep loneliness. I’m not sure whether its the earth’s energy, the creatures of the earth feeling it, or simply it is just that point in life where one has to undergo a different kind of loneliness than usual. Sometimes I question whether what I feel is the Ego. The soul is very trusting of what the cosmos has in store for it, so maybe I am coming from my ego. How do I surpass this loneliness? I question myself and the universe and something just popped in my head. Art. I guess I haven’t been painting for a long while. I did sketches, some photography, and even did designs for Logos, and calling cards, guess painting really has no other alternative…

Heneral Luna (A Movie Review)

It’s the first time that I rewatched a movie in a movie theater. I had movies I loved so much but never one that was Filipino (as far as I remember) and never did I watch any of those movies twice because it simply meant so much EXCEPT THIS MOVIE. I’ve been eyeing the premier but with the recent tidal waves in my personal life it slipped my mind, until today when my brother invited us to watch it.

I watched it early in the afternoon together with the Senior Citizens, my mom, and my brother. And rewatched it with friends, my sister, and my mother in the evening.