Grow Up

“Grow up.” This isn’t the first time I heard my mom probably say this to me but this is the first time that I felt so offended by her words. I didn’t wake up at the right side of the bed. The moment I woke up I asked my mom where she slept because I woke up earlier and she wasn’t beside me. To which she replied with a booming angry tone of voice. I stopped breathing. I just woke up and I didn’t know what to do with her anger. So I decided to sleep it off. I woke up late. Later than I wanted to. But instead of feeling down I did my best not to, did my handwriting/ meditation practice to set the mood for the day, also finished some workloads and found out at around 11am that my older sister left with me the cash sales from yesterday. I honestly hadn’t processed that she would. I was supposedly awake earlier but decided not to because I allowed my mom to stop me with her anger. And so, I was intent to write this blog post to rant about how my mom should’ve thought through the “Grow up.” statement because primarily she’s one of the reasons why I don’t have the assertiveness I need in life. When I tried to tell her what course I wanted in College she redirected me to another Course. She said try this instead, you can learn that along the way, true, I can learn that but the timing wouldn’t be the same (or will there be another timing). I guess that’s one of the boons and banes of life. That everything is possible. And therefore we can be a lot of things unless we decide to pursue just one.

I was so eager a few moments ago about planning how to go through with my Review and I’m just dropped a few feet but as I’m letting this all out and putting my thoughts in perspective I’m gaining back the courage to pass this Board Exam. I stand back up and learn from this. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

  • CHECK THE THINGS I GET FROM OLDER SISTER.
  • SAY SORRY TO OLDER SISTER FROM NOT CHECKING AND NOT LISTENING WHEN SHE HANDED IT OVER TO ME.
  • DO NOT ASSUME.
  • CHECK THOROUGHLY.

Hahaha This ‘Changing Your Life Through Handwriting’ is so powerful that within 3 hours everything conjured up and made me practice the principle I wanted to learn from Letter ‘Bb’. Phew.

Incoherent and confusing…

WARNING: This is a very incoherent post. I jump from  one topic to another. So, if you’re ready for a ‘JUMP’ (movie reference) then dive in.

I had the chance to watch X-Men: Apocalypse last night with family despite my cold and hateful facade. And that movie was deep, for one I can relate to how Jean feels. Jean’s feared because her power is strong and she understands that she does not have a full grip of what it is or what she is truly capable of and she fears the possibility of hurting the people that surrounds her. And I am that. I keep this hateful facade. I keep an angry mask because I too fear and I am currently very very confused. I admit that I have been confused but not this way. This is a whole new level of confusion. I feel all the rage, the hate, guilt, confusion, anxiety, pressure. Often it’s even hard to talk myself out of it completely. I do talk to myself. I also do converse and ponder if these emotions are mine or are they of the World. I feel I have unlocked a connection to the World where whatever ‘this mind’ feels so strongly, I feel it too. Kind of like how Professor X uses the Cerebrum but not as visually clear and audible but more on the plane of feeling. My current lifestyle isn’t suit for this kind of connection to the World. I may sound alien to some, I sound alien even to myself sometimes. I’ve let so many thoughts, meaningful ones, pass by. These thoughts are so solid one moment then dissipate in an instant, and it’s as if I never thought of that thought at all.

I overheard my family talking this morning. They talked about how Ego does not recognize figures while the more “enlightened” part of our brain recognizes symbols (Sudden thought: RECOGnize – a word meant for the left brain’s function, right brain counterpart is PERCEIVE). A few days ago I had this nonstop ringing in my ear, longer and more audible than usual. I get the ringing in my ear sometimes but not always, not this long nor this loud. I don’t think it’s an ear condition though because it isn’t consistent. Is my body absorbing ‘the download’. I’ve learned from the various self-development seminars and workshops I’ve been part of around the age of 12 is that we get downloads, from where, I can’t quite point out with certainty yet, Akashic Records maybe? These downloads are like codes that are yet to be deciphered when needed, when it is tapped consciously or not it just naturally flows. Remember how you know things with certainty but don’t know were that wisdom comes from?

I want time out from a lot of things. I’ve been trying to put my life on track (but am I not on track?) but haven’t seriously considered that my perception of ‘a-life-on-track’ is defective. My perception of ‘a-life-on-track’ is one where ‘almost’ everything is ‘perfect’. A job I love, a family that dotes on me, a confident me, good working relationship with everyone who knows me – close or not, financially independent, and that unconscious perception of ‘LIFE’ is putting a toll on me. I’ve placed so much pressure on myself to achieve this structure of ‘life’ engrained by my environment.

My mom says I can choose the emotions I let consume me. I understand that completely. My conscious mind does (that 10% does) but my unconscious (the 90%) does not recognize the words I try to convince it with – ‘that you freaking don’t own every emotion that pass you by.’ And emotions are faster than words or thoughts. Most often before I could even name the emotion that’s about to come I feel it already.

Being a Type 9 in the Eneagram makes it even harder to identify what I truly want. I’m fine with all the other types’ preferences that it takes me very long to consider what I want. But really all I wish is to be an embodiment of Love. I truly deeply want my ego to recognize that I am Love too. Or maybe it isn’t to be forced upon the ego? I don’t know how to reconcile the varying contrasts on many levels.

So you see how this mind is on a daily basis. This is a fraction of the things that go through my head every moment. One moment this then that… I don’t have anyone who has the time in their world to listen to me about what goes through my head and it saddens me.

Anyway, I feel better now.🙂

Don’t Speak

My sister and I had a small argument about something so petty. You know those situations where something small snowballs into something so big that you get drowned by it. That’s where I am. I dropped my review and board exam after my Father’s death and I have been trying to get to learn about myself during this time. It’s exactly 11 months since my Dad has passed and I feel useless. As if a sign, I chanced upon this Live Video Streaming of one YouTube Reactor I’m following and in that he was talking with another friend about Missed Opportunities. And Maybe, I should stop making excuses and grab opportunities. Be brave and take on bigger things. I have locked myself in our home, in our community, I did do try once in awhile to go out and try new things, actually I’ve done more of those this year than I ever had but I think my soul yearns for more. I’d want to backpack the 81 provinces of my country, video interviews of various people in various profession, send a Introductory Video to this Malaysian-based company, learn photography, continue with my painting and sketching. I know I’m the only one stopping myself from doing all these. All me. The point, the end point of this small petty argument is I am not happy with myself and what I am currently, in an overall perspective. I am frustrated of the agreements I have broken, of the friendships I didn’t make, the invitations I didn’t take.

But I’m glad I realised all these before it became too late. I think my time of dependence is almost over and I need to learn to be independent. I think everything is preparing me for that lesson. And it scares me, it is sometimes inevitable to leave the people I depended on for two decades of my life to learn this lesson. But I hope that whatever and wherever I go they’ll understand that I need to learn this so I could be the person has destined me to be. I hope I don’t lose my way on this journey.

LAUREN AQUILINA – IRRELEVANT

LEWIS WATSON – SINK OR SWIM

Suddenly…

I suddenly had the urge to cry and wallow but instead I’m dedicating a post about it. I know that this feeling isn’t even close yet to me missing my father’s presence so dearly. I simply feel overwhelmed about his physical absence. In a perfect Monday afternoon (such as this), where my sister and I can talk to each other about how both we can help each other, and how the wind blows through my window, and how my favorite rock band is on replay, I suddenly feel his absence. Most days I go on, normally, but in moments, solitary, like a car ride to the office, that feeling, sometimes fleeting, often lingering, I recall moments with him. I try to remember the face that I have had the chance to watch and observe as he peacefully slept. I am thankful for those moments.

Maybe I am romanticizing my Father’s passing. It could be just a process of grieving, of moving on. I wouldn’t really know. I might not really understand. I’m no expert on grieving and everyone definitely grieves differently and this one is mine. As I’ve said in a post a few months ago, now I live a life for both of us. If Dad, has truly returned to God, to The Source, then wouldn’t that mean that he’s in me too. If God (The Source) is Energy, and matter is energy then the particles and atom that make me is The Source and Dad lives in me, through me, with me, as well as all the Loved ones we’ve lost, all the heroes from the past. Does it makes sense to you?

Deep Sea of Loneliness

I feel lonely (period). I think I feel deep loneliness. I’m not sure whether its the earth’s energy, the creatures of the earth feeling it, or simply it is just that point in life where one has to undergo a different kind of loneliness than usual. Sometimes I question whether what I feel is the Ego. The soul is very trusting of what the cosmos has in store for it, so maybe I am coming from my ego. How do I surpass this loneliness? I question myself and the universe and something just popped in my head. Art. I guess I haven’t been painting for a long while. I did sketches, some photography, and even did designs for Logos, and calling cards, guess painting really has no other alternative…

Heneral Luna (A Movie Review)

It’s the first time that I rewatched a movie in a movie theater. I had movies I loved so much but never one that was Filipino (as far as I remember) and never did I watch any of those movies twice because it simply meant so much EXCEPT THIS MOVIE. I’ve been eyeing the premier but with the recent tidal waves in my personal life it slipped my mind, until today when my brother invited us to watch it.

I watched it early in the afternoon together with the Senior Citizens, my mom, and my brother. And rewatched it with friends, my sister, and my mother in the evening.

Continue reading Heneral Luna (A Movie Review)

(c) www.epictimes.com

Life Happens

I’ve been wanting to post something and rant and just simply to put everything out for the past few months… But I’ve been delaying and maybe a part of me is having a hard time moving on.

The last entry I did was a year ago, before going away for 6 Months to study for the Board Exams. And those challenging 6 months had passed, I failed the Licensure Exam, cried my heart out to my mom, took a few weeks break before enrolling for another 5 month Review within the City my family resides and moving to the dorms near the Review school to concentrate with my review. Even travelled to South Korea in November, and Vietnam in December, and spent the Holidays with my WHOLE Family. Celebrated my 22nd Birthday, my sister’s 27th birthday, my father’s 61st birthday, the Lunar Chinese New Year and my mother’s 54th birthday before witnessing my first real heartbreak – my Father’s passing.

Continue reading Life Happens

What Now?

I have been planning to publish a new post on this blog after I graduated last March 29,2014 but its already the 14th of April and a few Holidays have past and I still haven’t. My first thought was sharing about how it felt like graduating but now… I can’t quite point out what I feel about my graduation. It felt not as special as I thought it should be. I didn’t cry nor didn’t feel like I’d never see my classmates again. There was a certain sense of finality but not the extreme finality as certain as something like death. It felt like I was simply going through the motions or maybe I was putting a brake on my emotions?

After the Graduation Program ended I felt confused, not knowing what to do first… I wanted to go and be done with the Gradation Lunch… it felt like I wanted to start something. During the Graduation Ceremony there was one thing that made me nod my head in agreement. It was the speech our beloved University President delivered. It was about being of service to others. No matter what profession we may belong after our Graduation, he was telling us to have as purpose of giving service and uplifting at least one person’s life or spirit. And truly, I plan to be more or do more of it when I pass my Board Exams this October 2014. I know I am a CPA. I’m the only one stopping myself from shining. I’m the only person who can set free my wings I try to hide because it brings lots of worries and burdens and challenges but also lots of love, faith, success, and joy.

I’m enjoying time with family, friends, and myself in this short summer break before Review starts this 26th without having to worry of Academic stuff. I’ve joined a workshop, an art competition, and plan to devour a couple of books before Review. I also plan to leave a painting representing my family before I leave for at most 6 months.

I feel something has changed with how I interact with people. I feel more genuine and sincere and I do try to focus on the things I do, moment per moment. It ain’t easy, paying attention to the here and now but I believe this helps the World alleviate or ascend to higher consciousness.

There’s so much happening within me. A part of me wants to read tons and tons of books. A part of me wants to meditate and concentrate on my breathing, another wants to start doing exercise and being faithful to the daily routine, start eating healthier, drinking healthier, sleeping earlier, painting, writing, sketching, and another just wants to lie down peacefully on a green lawned grass overlooking the city and the wind brush through my entire being, close my eyes and hear the birds chirp from a nearby tree branch, hear the soft rustling of leaves, the calm trickle of the stream, and the warmth of the setting sun on my skin, my breathing light, my muscles at peace, and when I open my eyes, I see the vastness of the sky, as the stars start shining their lights one by one.

I really think I should take a bath now. Hahaha. And maybe start a few sketches and painting! Yes!🙂

Art of Managing Money

My family and both my parents’ family weren’t well-off. We weren’t old-rich, like some of the many family friends we have. My parents built from hard work, perseverance, and faith, the material wealth my siblings and my relatives enjoy or benefit from. Today, an Insurance agent visited our home and had me signed some papers (turns out to be Insurance Policy Contract) which I willingly signed as it was instructed by my mother. I had with me, my cousin and another family member, while I was signing and answering sheets of paper, the agent naturally got to talking about the Insurance products their company offers, and showed evidence of how easily it looked like to save money on insurance. I, too was also listening, and I admit that I bought it.

When my parents arrived home, I naturally told my mother how I signed some papers today upon her request and innocently dropped the fact that my two other relatives got themselves an Insurance deal. I didn’t think much about it when I said it, then my mom’s mood shifted and she angrily asked me to call my two relatives to the room. It was then that I realized that I needed training. In Accountancy we’re taught how to solve but not how to deal with money and people, to analyze the repercussions of not having enough money and signing-up for something as big as an Insurance. I thought insurance policies weren’t so complicated but I was wrong. It turns out if one misses to pay (after a 30-day grace period) the whole insurance shall be forfeited. Then all the money you would’ve already paid the company will never be yours, not a cent. My mom’s words made a lot of sense and although she said things angrily it didn’t sound like it came from hate but more like a concern and fear for my two relatives who didn’t know what they just got themselves into.

Truly, if I want to be financially stable, I must know first to faithfully stick to my saving habits. If I told myself, that I will save this much and save it on a particular day then I should without fail. She was apparently training my two relatives to pay their savings dues in a Cooperative without having to deal with penalties if they couldn’t pay. Then eventually, if already feasible, would’ve allowed them to invest on an Insurance on their own.

I didn’t appreciate the money lessons that I could get from my mom. I’ve only just seen my mom as my mom, not some Financial Advisor, like the others that follow her. But now, I’ll be more aware that I am actually living under the same house with one of the best Financial Coaches.