Abandoned…

Today is just January 1 but something’s up with my dynamic in the family unit I’m in. I can’t help but notice how they always call me to do things they don’t want to do and I don’t like it. A part of me is telling me “here we go again.” In an act of defiance I would deliberately delay things. For example, they want me to set the table for our lunch guests while we’re still conversing with the guests. And my mom in particular would nag me until I don’t stand up and do it. If this was me before, I would bottle it up, would do the task, and complain in my head… Now I complain more openly when they ask me to do something. When I ask why can’t my older sibling do it instead or my younger sibling or why don’t you ask them to help me in the task? Why just me? And they would do the whole energetic “Here we go again.” It feels like when I complain, my complaints are unreasonable and petty. All I feel when I voice out something is an energetic, “why don’t you just follow and do it. Find a way.” Maybe, I allowed them to do this to me for so long. I know I contributed to this too but I hope they try and answer my honest questions.

But the cherry on top for today would be being subjected to anger about how to fold this damn plastic bag that I got in the same place she kept it and she herself folded. And she got mad at me for folding it wrong when I wasn’t even the one that folded that damn plastic bag that I got scolded for. So instead, I retreated because I could feel my mouth blabbering words I probably wouldn’t mean when anger subsides. And started playing with my phone and waiting for her to finish what she does best – keep others waiting. While our evening guests were downstairs and I was in my room waiting, she comes in and asks me what I’m doing when I should be entertaining the guests. I told her I was waiting for her to meet them and she started getting mad. And I started getting mad. Then of course my older sibling comes and saves the day as per usual because that’s what both siblings do be the good ones because the bad one is acting up all crazy, demanding, entitled, victim bitch… When it’s still New Year. Because I’m being the spoil sport and got the ‘bad’ gene from my ancestors… Its these moments I wonder if staying alive is a mistake. Maybe I should just stab myself with this knife multiple times. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the pressure or the guilt and shame when they complain about always using their money. Hopefully they get something from the multiple insurance under my name. I know I didn’t pay for this insurance but at least they get something.

Maybe, they’ll be a happier and more perfect family. Then I don’t need to remind them always of my existence or even insist on my existence with family friends and acquaintances. I don’t have to receive the energetic judgment of many of being the ‘weak link’ in the family.

I’m too tired trying to prove that I exist, that I have a space somewhere here. I don’t need to hold on to them I just need to hold on to me.

Where did all that time go?

I don’t quite remember how many years ago I lasted posted about anything. One of the many reasons I deluded myself into not blogging or writing was I broke my anonymity. I shared this wordpress link to my personal facebook and most often people remember what I write. And that somehow bothers me. A part of me wants to be seen but another part would like to stay in obscurity.

It’s almost 3AM. Same thing I used to do years back was stay awake when everything’s dead silent and cry and laugh and contemplate and write. So where did all that time go?

It feels like a lot of things have changed, I’ve let a lot of things go yet I feel I still write for the same reason I wrote before. To make sense of this emptiness yet not quite empty feelings. For if it were truly empty then I wouldn’t have felt this suffocating feeling and wanting to throw up.

I feel I still write for the same reasons before. It is quite a selfish act, writing – to release the endless mindless chatter now. But does the mindless chatter ever stop? It doesn’t.

I’ve been shifting from sadness, loneliness, to satisfied these past days. I guess a person’s passing and a celebrity for that matter, one that I even did not follow so closely has impacted how I respond to life. He looked happy, with hints of being tired and sad, yet happy. I shift from denial to bargaining and a little bit of anger. They say its three of the five stages of grieving. And I guess I mourn his passing beyond my own expectations.

So, where did all that time go?